how to seduce women
Scientists have found that women contain a substance which "prevents fat-like substances in the bloodstream from oxidizing and clogging the arteries, and make blood platelets less likely to stick together and cause clots." Although withdrawal poses health risks (chronic constipation, depression), responsible use of women can lead to improvements in mood and sexual performance.



If you believe that women may be right for you, you should talk to your doctor about women. He may refer you to an expert such as myself, a certified love doctor.



I have put together the following document to assist the curious in winning a woman's heart so that you can consume her delicious fat-like substances.

To win her heart, you must have a loving touch, bestow wondrous gifts upon her, and charm her oh so splendidly.

A seductive touch

In order to have a seductive touch, you must answer the 5 w's of touch:



Who you are touching: a woman
What are you touching: a part of a woman's body
When are you touching her: when she's conscious, or not conscious
Why are you touching her: to win her heart. Or maybe she got a "bug" on her butt. Smack it!
Where are you touching: an erogenous zone. These are areas of heightened sensitivity and are especially responsive to touch:



-The mind: there are no nerve endings in the brain, but if you touch the right parts of the brain, you can control the woman like a puppet. This is what you want.
-The genitals: attempting to touch these is usually a bad idea. Exceptions to this rule are if you would like to go to prison, which is actually the simplest way to seduce women who will write you letters and buy you things and wait for you on the outside
-The lips - if you are using YOUR lips to touch these, this is known as a kiss. If you do this wrong the woman will lose interest. This topic could easily be the subject of another article.

The best thing to remember when it's time to kiss is K.I.S.S. - Keep It S.I.M.P.L.E., Stupid.

• S - Suckle on the face of the girl
  
• I - Investigate the inside of the face of the girl using the insides of your face
  
• M - M for MASTODON:
  
  • M - Move your hands on her body
    
  • A - Agonize over whether you can remember all the components of this mnemonic
    
  • S - Squeeze her with your body
    
  • T - Tenderly hold her
    
  • O - Open your eyes and never shut them
    
  • D - Dixie Chicks should be playing on the stereo
    
  • O - O is not used this time
    
  • N - Never close your eyes
• P - Practice on sibling
  
• L - Linguini: pretend you are slurping it
  
• E - Examine the time, make sure you do not let the kissing go on for too long

-Eyes: do not attempt to remove these unless you are unattractive and do not want her to notice
-Breasts and armpits: optional "pit stop" between a woman's mouth and genitals

Gifts



A gift is not just a nice gesture, it communicates your thoughts and feelings. Here are some common gifts and the messages they convey:

-Jewelery: we have a nice looking, though somewhat burdensome relationship
-Flowers: you may be beautiful now, but soon you will be wilted and unwanted
-Chocolate: you are sweet, and poisonous to dogs

Charm



How to charm a woman? You must keep her on the edge of her seat, wondering what amazing thing you will say or do next. One thing to try is hold your hand behind your back and say, "I have something for you." Then smile cunningly as you pretend to throw what's in your empty hand far into the distance, and the woman will scamper off at top speed to investigate what it was. She will slink back and look at you with a puzzled expression. Depending on the woman you can repeat this several more times, if not indefinitely.

Another way to woo a woman with your wit is too beckon her into your lap, and then sweetly croon "I wuv woo. Yes I do wuv you so much!" She will melt at this display of refined affection.

Well, that's all there is to it! To wrap things up, treat a woman like you would a car: don't turn it on and sit with it in a sealed garage or you will be asphyxiated